28th June - Unicol B vs Claudelands Numb Nuts

After the disappointment and heartbreak of last weekend's extra-time loss in the Waikato Cup to Claudelands A, an opportunity for some form of revenge was presented to the local heroes of the Hillcrest area. A clash with the high-flying Claudelands Numb Nuts meant that a long and painful trip down the road to the inferior fields of Galloway Park was required.

In goal, Old Man Trevor reluctantly picked up the gloves due to Nezworth being away taking Instagram photos of his cats. The back line was made up of that guy who runs a lot, the tall guy, the other tall guy who had a black eye, and that guy who hasn't scored a goal in a millennium. Running the middle of the park were the international alliance of Canada, Spain, Japan(or is it Korea?), and Netherlands. Paired up front were the guy who leaves his masters assignments till the last day and Diego Forlan. Meanwhile, on the bench, debuts were handed to Scotland's finest (and least understandable) warrior; Lloyd and Corey McLovin. Patty was also relegated to the bench because he can't score goals.

The first half kicked off with optimism buzzing around the Unicol players. This was only enhanced when JBC rifled a shot off the underside of the bar, only to be foiled by Claudelands' impressive goal line technology system. Not wanting to be outdone, Wassenaar, in his first game back from injury, also tried to elegantly raise the middle finger to Claudelands by breaking their woodwork. Unfortunately, Claudelands then somehow found a way past the tall timber at the back and buried the ball into the corner to take a 1-0 lead into the break.

Off the bench came Patty 'Look at those boots!' Purcell, Braveheart, and McLovin, hoping to inspire their senior citizen teammates into some sort of comeback. A few minutes later it was 2-0. The reintroduction of Jamie 'Guys I'm at a game!' Carson with around 20 minutes to go proved to be the greatest tactical decision in Unicol history. First, the aging Forlan raced away from the Claudelands defence before clipping the ball past the keeper to halve the deficit. Just minutes later, McLovin, who couldn't care less what position he was meant to be playing, turned and volleyed the ball into the far corner to equalise for the Unicorns. Many would settle for a draw at the dreaded Galloway Park, but draws are for pussies.

With ten minutes to go, a lucky deflection off Forlan resulted in the ball landing at the feet of Purcell just inside the box. Without thinking twice, he put his (beautiful) boot through it, blasting the ball into the top corner. The celebrations were wild, as the team dogpiled the poor youngster. Surprisingly, he was not injured in the celebrations. To further rub salt into the gaping wound, Braveheart shouted some words of encouragement (I think? I couldn't really understand what he was saying) before drilling home a fourth goal from the edge of the box.

Full time arrived and incredibly Unicol had triumphed 4-2 at Galloway Park. The story of this comeback will be passed down for generations to come by all those who witnessed the marvellous event. Rumour has it that the team are due to be knighted in the upcoming days.

And that kids, is how we actually won a game.

Posted on July 3, 2014 .