Match Report Unicol B Div vs Eastern City, 6/9/14

Tasked with doing battle on the unfamiliar University Number One pitch, the heroic pokemon of Team Unicol knew they were in for a fight against Team Eastern and their dastardly antics.

The field was as bumpy as expected, however the quality of the pitch was substantially raised by the lines. The lines. Let me tell you about the lines. Intelligently designed, beautifully crafted, expertly painted, vividly white. These weren’t just lines. They told a story. A story of a man who had nothing better to do on a Saturday morning. A man who had given his all to make sure 22 players, if only for 90 mins, felt like they were playing on a premier league quality pitch. It’s astounding that any football got played given we had these gorgeous lines to stare at and admire, however, its quite probable that these lines were indeed the inspiration for the emphatic performance that followed from Team Unicol.

Manager Reid threw out his pokeballs for battle and they started as they meant to go on. Dominating Team Eastern from the outset. No matter who Team Eastern threw out, they just couldn’t match up anywhere. Chances for killer blows were falling regularly to Electabuzz Warin,  Ponyta Purcell, Machop Casey, and Golduck Sayring. Eventually, a nifty move by Electabuzz was able to unlock the defences of Eastern, and an emphatic finish left their goalkeeper with no chance but to flail at the piledriver. Minutes later, hard work by Mankey Webb turned defense into attack as he slipped in Electabuzz to score his second goal of the ga….. Shit, sorry. Getting off topic a bit here. Where was I? Oh yes, the lines.

The lines. If grass could talk, it would tell you how pleasurable it was to have these firm, thick, straight lines brush up against its blades. The screams of ecstasy would be deafening. The grass would tell you that this day, September 6th2014, was the best, most attractive, most loved its ever felt. It would tell you that it didn’t want this day to end. The second half of the match, with the introductions of Squirtle Toyota and Slowbro McKenzie went much the way of the 1st.  Slick moves, quick movement and impressive strength. Drowzee Daily, clearly fatigued from line painting duty, finally decided to contribute something to the battle by finishing emphatically from 11 inches out after all the work had been done for him. Later, Slowbro graciously invited Electabuzz to step in and take a freekick to complete his hattrick. Electabuzz obliged and called upon his trademark wormburner to slot the ball into the bottom corner.

A few more chances fell throughout the remainder of the battle – Charmander Carson, Jigglypuff Galuszka, and Magikarp MacKinnon all coming relatively close to adding to their stats. A rather tame encounter ended up 4-0 to Team Un…. Fuck, there I go again. Keep on track Lee!

It would not surprise me at all if photos of our lines were taken and sent to groundsmen all around the world. Such was their quality. It wont be long before the curator at Old Trafford will be contacting our club asking just how did we manage to get lines so white, so straight, so accurate. No more playing on oval pitches for them. These lines have undoubtedly revolutionised the way groundmen mark their fields. Seriously, though. The lines.

Posted on September 24, 2014 .