Unicol 3rds vs Claudelands Cuckoos Match Report 17/8/2014

Unicol 3rds vs Claudelands Cuckoos - Match Report 17/8/2014

The Unicol 3rds arrived at the sacred Waikato University fields about 11.30ish and stood about shooting shit while they waited for the usual stragglers. We were all very curious and deeply concerned at how the top of the table Claudelands cuckoos were already at the ground and could have been there since dawn for all we knew. Their enthusiasm and willingness set off alarm bells and was an early indication that this could be a another tough day at the office and a likely outcome of a defeat and quiet disdain and general hatred for each other by the end that could only be curbed by consuming copious beers and jointly abusing how bad the referee was.

It was a beautiful sunny but chilly day with a gentle breeze as the team marched out to the #2 paddock, a great day for a game of football indeed.

As usual, Unicol started the first 15 strongly, galvanized by the pre match inspirational talk from Reid, something along the lines of, 'These guys are all cunts, let's get stuck in and really pump them. If we can look like we can draw or win they will panic because they can't afford to lose this'.

So party spoilers we set out to be and party spoilers we were. Unicol dominated possession and territory for most of the first half and although Unicol came close a few times, the Cuckoos defense was sound and the keeper was not tested too often. At the other end when the Cuckoos managed a period of sustained territory they were unable to net a long range shot destined for the top corner that the Unicol keeper managed to punch out of danger and were unable to convert several likely corner chances despite that fat fuck Elmo standing on the Keepers foot in the box to slow him down.

At half time Unicol were pumped. They couldn't believe how confused the Cuckoos defense was. No one seemed keen to take ownership of their area or any high ball that came their way. They were not playing like a top of the table team and Unicol could smell some complacency and were determined they were not going to bend over and be easy beats. Predictably they had been playing like dirty bastards which was bad news for us with no substitutes to call on as we couldn't take much more punishment. Resilience for another 45 minutes and concrete pills in earnest were required if we were going to hold these guys out.

Resolute Unicol returned to the fray with renewed vigor but the Claudelands Cuckoos had other ideas. Turns out their coach had really gotten stuck into them and said all the right things because they stormed out and threw everything at us for the next twenty minutes. Unicol really struggled to gain any field position and when they did it was quickly turned back into their own half. There were a sprinkling of great passages of play when Unicol timed their press and counterattack to perfection but it was clear that they were exhausted and the tank was beyond empty. Goalkeeper Nez was forced to make several clutch saves from some well-placed attempts and diffused an almost certain goal chance by shutting down the space of a Cuckoos striker by charging out and smothering the space in a 1 on 1 situation. Still, the Unicol goal could not be breached.

Charles "I'm a defensive mid you asshole" Daily finally lost his shit deep in the 2nd half and moaned that Jordan should stop aimlessly kicking the ball away, a completely beaten up and given up Jordan promptly told him to go fuck himself and the conversation ended as quickly as it began, beers were clearly needed, the final whistle couldn't come soon enough.

When the final whistle came you could feel the collective relief of the Unicol team, the draw felt like a victory and they had to try hard to suppress their joy at this very hard fought result. Make no mistake, this was no trivial Saturday club football game, this was war.

Game Notes: (remember to remove these before publishing) Eisei was a total bitch Charlie said that was my best game ever Rory complained that various players were playing shit and moaned about having to play too many minutes, his classic MO Jordan put in a lot of work and got real beat up but he fucked up all his goal kicks, text book loser. Eisei looks like a real life anime character after a shower Dave made an amazing break up the left wing but the unfit fuck took the next 15 mins to recover Charlie got angry Jordan kept kicking the ball away and Jordan told him to shut the fuck up.

Posted on August 17, 2014 .